This Mother’s Day, we pay homage to all the single mothers, their struggles, strengths, resilience and devotion.
A sympathetic softening of the eyes and careful words praising her strength are what my mother usually receives when we reveal that she’s a single mother.
One year into her marriage and a mere four months after her first and only child (me) was born, she lost her husband to suicide. The circumstances around how she ended up a single mother has prompted me to ask her more than once if she regrets marriage. An independent woman who never wanted marriage, settled down with whom she thought would be best, only to be left behind with an infant and life-long trauma.
Her answer has always been “no, because I was able to have you because of it.” And that is the unshakeable strength of a mother- single or not. My mother’s story, her strength and resilience is something I could write a whole book on.
But there are so many stories of those just like my mother’s. Single mothers who weave their grief and vulnerable to transform them into warmth and protection for their child.
Kakul Mehra, singer, performer, social activist and a single mother to her nine-year-old son describes single motherhood as a blessing. Having been parenting her son solo since he was only two years old, she says, “Single parenthood has been a blessing for me I would say as it has made my bond and connection with my little one even more stronger. Grief is always painful and the heartaches and trauma is always difficult to pass through but the smile and touch of your little one makes it easy. Those hugs and cuddles act like a medicine and shows you the way when the path is too dark.”
While Kakul highlights that single parenthood isn’t all about struggles and hardships, and that single mothers are capable of juggling several responsibilities with ease, Nicky Wake, the founder of Chapter 2 Dating Ltd shines a light on an opposite perspective.
“Sometimes the responsibility is almost paralysing and you never know if you’ve made the right decision.” –Nicky Wave
Having raised her son solo since the passing of her husband – who suffered a catastrophic brain injury in 2017, later passing away in 2020 – Nicky reminds us that decision making as a single parent isn’t an easy-going exercise of independence.
She says, “I think some people think its easier as you are the only person making decisions, you don’t have any problems with different parenting styles – it really isn’t, the responsibility you feel as widow not having any one to discuss big decisions with such as which school, whether they can have mobile phone, even how much pocket money – sometimes the responsibility is almost paralysing and you never know if you’ve made the right ones.”
Taking the hard decisions falls upon just you, she notes is never easy adding, “I took the hardest decision ever in not letting my son see his Dad after his brain injury, for three long years from injury to his death I wrestled with that but I knew that when went to visit him I found it horrifically upsetting that I couldn’t allow my son to see that, I wanted him to have happy memories of his Dad.”
“Single parenthood has been a blessing for me I would say as it has made my bond and connection with my little one even more stronger” – Kakul Mehra
Losing a loved one shatters your world, but as a single parent, you have no real moment to grieve the loss. And different parents take to it and handle it differently.
For Kakul, the process of healing came from the belief that as a parent she “needed to create a fulfilling vibe” for her son so that he never felt deprived of not having his father. Meanwhile for Nicky – who prior to 2017, had been a busy entrepreneur whose husband took care of most parenting duties – single motherhood meant going through a spiral of grief drenched in alcoholism.
Despite two wildly different approaches to processing grief, both Kakul and Nicky are exuberant when sharing the wonderful relationships they each share with their sons.
Nicky says, “My son and I have the most incredible relationship, he is literally my best friend, in 18 years I have never had to shout at him, we are inseparable and Our relationship is so much stronger because of the journey we’ve been through together. He watched me spiral into alcoholism in grief and he supported me when I went to rehab on the day before his 17th birthday, he said to me this is the best birthday present you can give to me, I celebrated one year sobriety with him on his 18th birthday by buying him his first alcoholic drink! Without him I would have probably drunk self to death,” with Kakul adding, ” My son and I are the best of friends. I am a bit of a chatterbox and he is the most mature and understanding kid.”
With these insightful, emotive perspectives of being a single mother I also wondered how others like me – the children raised by single parents – perceived the experience.
For me, growing up as the only child of a single mother and never having the opportunity to know my father is a void that can never be filled. It is a space in my heart that fills with sharp resentment and quiet reconciliation in turns.
“Despite the pride I carry in being just like my mother, in emulating her brilliant spirit and honesty, I cannot deny the pull of the void where a father should have been.” – Malvika Padin
Raised by the fierce, straight forward and independent woman whom I call mom, I am undoubtedly a crystal clear reflection of all these qualities. I stand up for myself, deeply value my independence and take pride in my ability to persevere through hardships – and it all comes from her.
Despite the pride I carry in being just like my mother, in emulating her brilliant spirit and honesty, I cannot deny the pull of the void where a father should have been. In my lowest moments, the knowledge I will never get closure from a man who chose to end his life, leaving behind his wife and infant daughter haunts me harshly, deeply and inescapably.
“Real parenting is not just about providing things, but about giving security, values, support, and standing strong for your children no matter what life looks like.” – Irra H Mathpal
However, astrologer/numerologist Irra H Mathpal who was raised single-handedly by her mother after her father passed away in her pre-teens offers a far more optimistic perspective, that serves to uplift my cynical outlook.
Speaking about misconceptions around single motherhood, Irra says, “People often think children raised by a single mother grow up with emotional gaps or struggles. But in my case, I grew up watching strength very closely. After my father passed away at a very young age, my mother raised the three of us completely on her own, and today all three of us are well-settled and successful. She never let us feel incomplete.”
Further, as her mother herself now, Irra credits her mother’s quiet strength as the quality that has shaped her. She says, “The strongest thing about my mother is her quiet strength. She was very introverted, soft-spoken, and came from a conservative background, but life pushed her to step out and face the world. Despite being soft, emotional, and deeply value-oriented, she handled every responsibility like a true fighter. I think her resilience, dignity, and way of balancing love with strength shaped me the most.”
Whether single mothers themselves like Kakul and Nicky or someone raised by a single mum like Irra and me, strength, responsibility and the ability to keep pushing forward no matter what life throws at you have been carved into our hearts.
Parenting a child solo and being a child having to contend with not having a second parent are both equally challenging, but as Irra rightly puts it, “Real parenting is not just about providing things, but about giving security, values, support, and standing strong for your children no matter what life looks like.”
Losing the person who was meant to shape your life alongside you is a devastating change and single mothers not only reshape their lives to new realities but also guide their children into new lives as well, but Nicky reminds us thst “you can and will survive, that there are lighter days ahead.”
Looking ahead into these brighter, lighter days, Lyrical Muse marks this Mother’s Day by paying ode to the mothers doing it all on their own.
To every single mother out there, you are a symbol of devotion amidst devastation and for all you do as parents what makes me proudest and happiest is knowing that you’ve never let yourself be defined by just the label of “single mother.”
So where sympathy or consolation come forth naturally, let’s instead celebrate the strength of women like my mother, Kakul, Nicky, Irra’s mother and so many more.
Happy Mother’s Day to all mother and maternal figures everywhere!
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