Grief comes in waves. Sometimes crashing into our hearts with shattering strength. At other times, it laps at our souls with a chilling ache.
Nine years ago, at the cusp of beginning a new chapter in a faraway country, I lost my home in more ways than I was ever prepared for. To me, home was one person – my grandmother.
From the warmth of her hugs putting me to sleep every night to the carefully made lunches that filled my belly every day, our lives revolved around each other. Even as the lunches stopped and the hugs became fleeting, as her memories of me faded – the strength of that love? It never wavered.
The grief that I thought would end my life became the force that drove my life forward
From the day I was born till the day I left home to live abroad, I had never left her side. I knew that she – bedridden with Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease – would likely never be able to visit me. But what her body could no longer do, she managed to do with her soul and spirit. Only four days after I’d left, my grandmother passed.
Her passing was something I feared for more years than I can remember. It was that unimaginable happening that I thought I could never survive. Instead, the grief that I thought would end my life became the force that drove my life forward.
Nine years ago, when my grandmother left this world, I wanted to let go of my life too because there was nothing worth holding on to. Today, I am still learning to hold on and let go – but its different now.
With each year that passes, I hold on to more of the precious memories I had with her and I let go – bit by bit – of the heartbroken part of me that thought I would not survive a world without her in it.
Grief still comes in waves. But when it crashes, it comes with a reminder of strength – my grandmother’s and mine – and when it laps at me in the quiet of the night, it lingers with her warmth. And with each wave, I still hold on to love and I still let go of pain, as I carry forward as a woman she’s sure to be proud of.
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