International Asexuality Day is celebrated held annually on April 6. To mark the awareness day, editor Malvika Padin celebrates complicated labels, unconventional love and what “normal” means to her.
When I write about my experiences as a panromantic asexual person, a few comments I’ve frequently come across wonder why I bother telling people this or why I even need to put “complicated” labels on my sexuality.
While faceless comments meditate on aspects of my life they know nothing about, real life brings questions that dig into my preferences with a lack of tact.
From “Do you really not like anyone? Not even a crush?” to “Why haven’t you gotten married yet?,” I’ve grown from an unsure – teenager who never really stopped to understand why romantic intimacy and desire didn’t have a place in my life – to a nearly 30-year-old woman confident in my panromantic asexual identity.
I have most definitely evolved and the questions I’m faced with may have also evolved with each stage of life but the core of it remains heteronormative, linear and patriarchal ; rooted in the expectation to see girls become women who settled into idealistic family lives with a male partner.
To me, love doesn’t culminate in passionate kisses and the heated feel of skin against skin, it is about a lifetime of warm companionship, kisses on the cheek and comforting hugs
Not having a clear answer to these questions has never really bothered me and neither has being single or unmarried. So when I talk about my experiences as a pan-ace person the intent is not catharsis or comfort, it is an expression of confidence and a lesson in taking pride in your identity.
To me, love doesn’t culminate in passionate kisses and the heated feel of skin against skin, it is about a lifetime of warm companionship, kisses on the cheek and comforting hugs. And it doesn’t matter who it comes from, the gender identities of those who evoke these feelings in me doesn’t not matter to me as long as they love me as I love them.
My experiences are also a reminder that sexual identities are a spectrum. From being sure that I was aromantic asexual to falling in love and discovering that I loved being in love without the confines of gender, my journey understanding my own panromantic asexuality has been littered with new discoveries about love and heartbreak in equal parts.
To love someone for who they are and be loved in return for who I am. Does that sound complicated… or is it rather simple? And I take pride in the earnest simplicity with which I love.
Love is never easy, and if you’re unable to express love conventionally, then it can be even harder to find and keep. I’ve been in and out of a few relationships, and each time it doesn’t work out, I’ve been told to compromise and try something “normal” so I don’t end up alone in life.
When I do love, I do so deeply, with no judgement and full of heart
But this is my normal, and one that I’m quite proud of! Yes, to yearn for love while being put off by sexual intimacy is incredibly challenging to explain much less experience.
However, these struggles in life and love has only made me more empathetic, open-minded and headstrong ; I never settle for less than I deserve, know and respect my boundaries but when I do love, I do so deeply, with no judgement and full of heart. And from where I stand, that normal doesn’t sound so bad to me!
So, if my label , the way I live my life against the expectations of society and my openly sharing my experiences, makes someone out there feel seen and celebrated then I’m more than happy to explain and re-explain “complicated” sexual identities and labels for as long as I can.
And on that note, Happy International Asexuality Day!
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